Of Samurai and Mary Sues
by Ora Leigh
Summary: The samurai of the Yagyu knew that they were in for a cultural shock when they were sent to Suna during the war. What they weren't counting on was running into the ultimate foe: a Mary Sue. How will they react to their first encounter with one in the shinobi world? Heaven only knows. Mary sue bashing, satire, some swearing. RxR!


**I do not own Naruto in any way, shape, or form. The OC's depicted are of my own creation, so please no takey!**

**A/N I am currently suffering from writer's block with my main fic and was inspired to write this drable in the meantime. I wanted to try out writing something with my newest oc's, even if it was just a random one-shot. Warning, Mary Sue bashing ahead! **

**As always, reviews are loved and will help fund the Sue rehabilitation project.**

The day that the Yagyu samurai clan arrived in the Village Hidden in the Sand was one that had long been awaited and dreaded. After Sasuke's attack on the Five Kage Summit and the subsequent alliance of the Land of Iron with the shinobi forces, General Mifune had ordered the Yagyu to march to Sunagakure to reinforce their defenses. For some of the samurai, this was an exciting adventure when you backed out the fact that they were going to war. For others…

Well, let's just say this wasn't exactly their dream vacation.

"Did we somehow die and end up in hell?" Yagyu Yakone frantically tried to fan herself with one of her tessen. The 19 year old samurai had spent almost her entire life within the Land of Iron, and had never once experienced a climate like this. To her, heat like this should never even exist outside of a furnace; yet here she was, riding a horse through a scorching sea of sand towards a city full of people she had long considered nothing but trouble.

"This can't be hell, Yakone. I'm not entirely sure hell isn't cooler, and even if this was, we would be suffering much more. Like having to listen to your singing or something similar." Her twin brother Yuuto rode up alongside her, attempting to sound cheerful in an attempt to distract her. His words brought him only a snort as his sister tried to wave her fan even faster.

Yakone and Yuuto had been charged with the task of delivering their clan to its destination while thei current head went on days earlier to make preparations. For days they had ridden horse back through shinobi countries, witnessing the preparations being made for the Fourth Great Ninja War. Since hitting the desert, their progress had noticeably slowed. Being unused to the increased temperatures, they had already been forced to remove some of their heavier armor and adopt a modified, lightweight version. Their skin was unaccustomed to the blistering effects of the sun all day, which meant they also had to make sure to wear enough clothes to prevent being fried to death. In the end, they were still severely sunburnt by the time they reached the village, which even under the best circumstances would have caused some aggravation. Combined with other recent events leading up to their journey, this all led to a less than enthusiastic group of people arriving to defend Sunagakure.

"Look!" One of the clan's archers, who happened to be a girl named Yabusame, pointed towards the horizon. "Is that it?" They all sincerely hoped that this time it wasn't a mirage. Thanking every one of the gods, both known and unknown to them, they soon realized this image wasn't going anywhere. Urging their tired horses forward, they soon arrived at the gates of the city. They were greeted by guards that looked tired and on edge, though none of them considered this odd. After all, hadn't they just gone to war with a terrifying and not so slightly psychotic killer?

"State your names and business." One of them barked as the twins advanced. Yakone handed him a scroll containing their orders to report to the central garrison, along with the seal of both the head of the Yagyu clan and the Sand's ambassador. She noticed that he took an awfully long time to read the document, and looked at them suspiciously once he was done.

"So, you're here to help guard the city, correct?"

She blinked a few times. "….Yes…" Yakone was thinking that she was pretty sure that's what the scroll said. But if repeating everything that piece of paper had on it was what it took to get her inside and away from the cursed heat, she would gladly read it to him word for word.

"So your business has absolutely nothing to do with Lord Kazekage then, correct?"

"Uh, what?" Yuuto looked confused. "I don't understand. We were told that our clan would be assisting in fortifying the vil-"

"I'm asking the question!" He snapped. Both twins could have sworn he twitched a little, and a small vein appeared to be poking out of his forehead. Their horses snorted and backed up at his outburst, but they managed to keep them steady.

"No," Yuuto hastily spoke. "No, we have nothing to do with your Kazekage. Just supposed to help watch the outer walls, that's all. We swear."

"If what you're saying is true, then you must all remove your head coverings before you can enter the village." For the first time they noticed several posters hanging along the gates. Written under them in bright red ink were things such as: "Under no circumstances to be allowed in the village." "Approach with caution." and Yakone's personal favorite: "DO NOT ENGAGE! CONTACT LORD KANKURO OR LADY TEMARI AT FIRST SIGHT". They were all dressed in outrageous outfits, even by the samurai's ideas of what shinobi looked like, and some were depicted with one or more strange eyes.

One by one every member of the clan removed the scarves they had wrapped around their heads to protect from the sand and sun. The guards closely peered into their faces, focusing on their eyes especially until they were satisfied they were all some shade of simple brown.

Then the questions begin.

"Are you now, or have you ever been, associated with the Uchiha, Hyuuga, Uzumaki…"

"Do you possess any kekkei genkai, and if so, how many?"

"Are you related to any of the current or past kage, sages, or Akatsuki?"

"Have you been sealed with any tailed beasts, dragons, demons, gods, demi gods-"

"Oh for the love of-" Yakone finally snapped. "What part of samurai are you people not getting?! We don't even know half these people you're asking us about. And what the HELL is a Sharingan or Byakugan anyways?!"

"Speaking of that, just how many weapons have each of you samurai mastered, and of what kind?"

* * *

Somewhere high above the city a magical, beautiful, winged dragon soared over the crispy heads of the Yagyu while they endured the interrogation. Bright rays of light followed in its wake as it carried its master over and into the village. The latter, known as Her Imperial Highness Yumi Sakura Hime Rosetta Aurora Jasmine, glanced down at the gathering below her, smirking as she outwitted the guards once again. It didn't matter how many times it took or how hard they tried to stop her, she would be reunited with her lover. It was her destiny, foretold years ago in the stars to reunite with her soul mate.

Which would explain the giant plot hole that was her flying a giant sparkling abomination unnoticed while highly trained Suna ninjas and an equally formidable clan of samurai bickered below.

"Oh Ryuu," She lamented, flopping onto her summon's back. Her eyes held in inescapable depth of despair that leaked out in tears as she gazed into the clouds. "You don't know how I've suffered so these past few weeks separated from Gaara."

_How can I not?_ The miserable beast thought._ You haven't shut up about since then._

"As if my life before hadn't been hard enough before this." She sat up, her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates. "My parent's death, which was so tragic it triggered my Demon's Eye kekkei genkai, followed so close after my best friend gave me her Byakugan before the cold hearted Hiashi sent her to die after **he** killed that nasty cloud ninja guy."

_Do you seriously not know how annoying you are?_

"Then, my closest childhood friend Itachi committed the heinous crime of killing off his family because they forbad our passionate love."

_Don't tell me you consider yourself __**that **__important? Besides, they didn't need to forbid him from anything. The poor boy practically hid under the table every time you came around the compound._

"Of course, I could never be with a man who had done such terrible things, even in the name of love. I was so broken hearted I never thought I would be able to go on living." After a moment's pause she went on. "So, after that, Sasuke and I were forced to grow up together, alone and only with each other to depend upon. But alas, so great were his feelings for me that he wouldn't allow me to follow him the night he left Konoha. How could he, when he knew I belonged to a higher purpose?"

_Yeah right, bitch. Last time he saw you he chidori'ed your ass._

"After Sasuke's sacrifice, I thought for sure I would never love again. Until I met him." Now the dinner plates included spinning stars. "Gaara and I fell in love at first sight. And how could we not? After all, in a past life I was the jinchuriki of the Shukaku, so I'm the only person in this world who _truly_ understands his pain."

_Ever even hear of this guy named NARUTO?_

* * *

"Admit it. You two are lost, aren't you?"

Yabusame tried to get the twins' attention as they played tug-a-war with a map, having dragged their hapless followers all through the village for the past two hours. As if the questions they had to face from the guards wasn't bad enough, what awaited them inside was even worse. They somehow managed immediately to get turned around in the sea of people and tight passages, which were even harder to transverse on horseback. None of the Yagyu were happy to begin with, and this certainly wasn't helping one bit.

With a loud rip the map was torn in two, and the girl wondered how those two had ever been chosen to be in charge of their journey. Being a more distant cousin to them, Yabusame was none the less a close childhood friend to both Yakone and Yuuto, though today they were especially trying her patience. This was even more remarkable when it one considered that she was usually of much more gentle and forgiving nature.

A gentle and forgiving nature which had been stomped out of her the third time they passed this particular vendor.

"Look," She stepped in between them before their argument could become violent, or more violent than it already was. "This is getting ridiculous. Just. Ask. For. Directions. Please, because everyone else is taking a vote to just tie you guys up and drag you to the garrison behind your horses."

"It's not our fault these stupid shinobi have decided to practically hide their garrisons." Yuuto snatched the map from his sister, staring at the wrinkled paper instead of answering Yabusame. "I told you we should have turned left back there, Yakone."

"There was no left, you idiot! That road led to a dead end ten feet away!"

Before Yuuto could reply, a loud explosion was heard directly above them. With a brilliant flash of light briefly blinding them all, no one was really able to get a good look at the object that smashed into the ground amidst their party. While the rest of the group tried to keep their horses from bolting, the three of them dismounted and ran to whatever had just tried to flatten the already tense samurai.

Once the dust cleared, they gasped in awe at what they saw. Well, technically they all somewhat gagged, especially Yakone, but the first sounds better.

A young girl laid there motionless from a fall that would have killed any normal human. Although, for the record, a normal person wouldn't have been walking around in such an outrageous ensemble. The amount of fishnet she wore was only outmatched by how tightly it was stretched against her person, and what little fabric that also covered her was a frilly pastel concoction that made their eyes hurt to look at.

"The hell?" Yuuto was the first to more towards her, though it should be mentioned that it was only to poke her with a stick he found lying on the ground. He had heard that shinobi were a strange people, but this surpassed all his expectations.

Groaning, the girl shifted and her long, bright purple hair fell from her face to reveal an angelic image that instantly melted his heart. Or, maybe he was just wondering if that obnoxious mane was actually a wig. It was hard to tell for sure due to what happened next.

Her eyes fluttered open, and their incandescent emerald wonderness cast upon him a loving look that would have immediately melted the samurai's heart if he wasn't faintly disturbed by them. "Gaara-kun." She whispered, her voice having all the melodious qualities of a deranged squirrel. An instant later her eyes snapped open, and with a shriek she back handed Yuuto, who had leaned closer to better hear what she was saying, across his sunburnt face.

He landed at the feet of Yabusame and his sister, who both looked like they didn't know whether to laugh or help him to his feet.

"Why'd ya do that?!" He screamed, holding his already stinging cheek.

"How dare you try to violate me, you cruel, lustful villain!" She wailed, tears streaming down her face.

"You're the one who violated me, you crazy-"

"Yuuto!" Yabusame grabbed his wrist before he could reach for his sword. Though he may have thought it was justified, she didn't want them to have to explain why they had already mutilated someone their first day in Suna.

"A liar as well as a pervert!" Now she was standing, hands on her bony hips. At her full height she would have barely come up to Yakone's shoulders, which made her look even more hilarious than she already was.

"What did you just call me?" He tried to shake Yabusame off, who practically had to put him in a joint lock to hold him still. Yakone wasn't being any help as she walked away fanning herself and thinking this was her brother's punishment for being so annoying earlier.

"Yuuto, wait. She's probably hurt. That fall must have done something to her head." At this rate, she was trying to think of any excuse that would prevent the one woman freak show from losing some of her limbs.

"Where am I?" She was now completely ignoring them as if the past few moments hadn't even happened. The tears had stopped, but her bottom lip still trembled. "The last thing I remember is flying with Ryu, and then-" She touched a spot on her head as if feeling an invisible bump, then turned to them again.

"You all must have kidnapped me!" She shrieked, causing the horses to back away again. None of them could blame the animals; hell, their own ears were hurting from the frequency of her screams.

"You're after my kekkei genkais!"

The all stared at her for a moment, trying to process what was going on in front of them. Secretly, Yuuto was wondering if maybe Yakone had been right before and they had all somehow wound up in hell.

"Don't try to deny it! I can sense lies." Her eyes began to glow brighter, which none of them even noticed because they were all so freaked out. She narrowed them as her attention fell to the one person trying to save her. "You! You must have shot me from my Ryu!" She was referring to the bow and arrows slung across Yabusame's back.

In reality, the poor beast's prayers had finally been answered, and whatever supernatural force that might exist had plucked it from this world to spare it from anymore misery.

It took Yabusame a few beats to catch up to her. "What? That's insane!" The young archer might as well have been stating that the desert was warm or that Yuuto was currently in a bad mood.

"Yes, it's all coming back to me now!" She glared so much that they all were wondering (edit: hoping) if she was going to pop a blood vessel. "My ONI-GAN is all seeing, and it caught sight of you just as we flew over. I remember your eyes filled with hatred and jealousy as you pulled back your string of bloodlust with desperation on your fingertips to end m-"

CLANG!

Going cross eyed, she slumped to the ground in a drooling heap. Yakone stood over her, a folded iron fan held in one hand.

"All seeing my ass."

* * *

Not far from the unlucky samurai, Temari and Kankuro were walking to the central garrison to meet with the Yagyu clan to give them further instructions. The siblings were getting to have a nice, stress free talk as brother and sister for once, which was a rare enough event when they weren't currently going to war.

Rounding a corner, they had just decided to drag Gaara out of his office for one last family dinner together before they all went their separate ways. A loud boom echoed through the streets as black smoke poured out of a nearby alley. People ran screaming in the opposite direction, and they wondered what on earth could be causing such panic.

Readying their weapons, they prepared for the worst.

* * *

"Damnit Yabusame!" Yuuto coughed as one of the archer's explosive arrows nearly launched them into space. "How did you miss?!"

"I didn't!" Yabusame tried to notch another arrow, but she was hesitant to waste anymore. After regaining consciousness about a minute after Yakone knocked her out, the girl had renewed her attack on them. They had tried everything front slicing her up to blowing her head off, and each time she sprang back up as horrifically perfect as before. They weren't entirely sure what her attacks actually consisted of, although at one point she seemed to be flinging floating cartoon hearts at them and ordering them to "Surrender to the powers of love!"

Somewhere else in the smoke, Yakone stood facing the living nightmare. Said nightmare smirked at her, applying another layer of garish lipstick. "Why don't you just accept that it's futile to oppose me, mortal?"

In response to that, the samurai snapped both of her tessen wide open and prepared for her next move.

* * *

Two crescent shaped burst of chakra exploded out of the smoke and with them a small body. Kankuro and Temari looked on as three other persons quickly followed: two brown haired individuals who looked to be about the same age, one wielding a short sword and the other two iron fans, and a younger looking girl with darker hair training an arrow on the figure they had just tossed out.

"Stop!" The sand siblings ordered. Temari blasted them with her own fan, while Kankuro locked Karusa onto the three armed intruders.

"Wait!" The man held up his hands. They all looked haggard, but he seemed to have fared worst of all. His robes were torn and he was bleeding from several places. Despite his appearance, they could still make out the sigil on his robes, which looked vaguely familiar to both of them…

"You don't know what you're doing. She attacked us first!"

"We said don't move!" Temari held up her fan again, preparing to swing it once more. Before she could, the person that had been sent flying emerged from the crater. She ran towards them, ignoring the weapons pointed in her direction.

It wasn't everyday something alarmed the two of them. Hell, they had grown up with Gaara. It took an enormous amount of skill for people to top that. And yet, it took only seconds for them to flip slap out.

"AAAAAIIIIII!" Kankuro was the first to find his voice in the form of a very uncourageous shriek. "How did she get back in the village?!"

"I thought you said you poisoned her last time!" Temari had turned paler just at the sight of the girl.

"I did! She just won't stay dead!"

"Kankuro, Temari!" The girl squealed, looking adoringly at the two. "I knew you wouldn't let your brother's one true love die at the hands of these bandits! Even though you secretly feel jealous of the love I have for Gaara alone, Kankuro. But no matter, where is my wonderful Garra-kun? He must be on his way now to smite these monsters."

While this was going on, the poor "monsters" were trying to figure out how quickly they could run away from this entire mess.

Suddenly, Yakone fired another blast of chakra while the girl wasn't paying attention to them. It passed through her perfect body, almost hitting Temari before she deflected it.

Turning, the girl laughed in triumph as she pointed at the samurai with a delicately manicured hand. "Those petty tricks won't work on me, fool. Don't you know that years ago Obito taught me how to become intangible during my stay in the Akatsuki?" None of them even bothered asking who the hell Obito was.

"Oh look!" She cooed. "Karusa is coming to give me a hug! Kankuro, don't you remember the time I helped you install his most powerful and intricate weapons…"

Three hours and one Gaara-level airstrike later, the abomination was gone…for the moment. The harsh reality was that no matter how many times she was destroyed, she always seemed to pop up again as strong as ever. They weren't entirely sure she wasn't some weapon cooked up by Madara. If she was and if he was planning on unleashing an army of them, they weren't quite sure what they would do.

"What are the Yagyu doing here?" The Kazekage motioned towards the group of people huddled together looking rather shell shocked. One of them, the young girl with the bow, was actually shaking.

"Honestly? We're not entirely sure." Temari looked up from where she sat on the ground. While trying to smash the enemy with her fan, she had only succeeded in denting it severely. "They somehow got mixed up with…whatever that thing is. They were already fighting when we ran into them-"

She stopped suddenly as one of them started walking towards them. It was the young man who had led the fighting in the beginning. As he neared, he straightened his robes up as best he could and tried to smooth back his hair, which had completely come out of his topknot. Stopping in front of them, he said nothing for a few seconds.

Then, he reached into his robes and pulled out two pieces of paper that were illegible at this point. "Can any of you tell us how to get to the central barracks?"


End file.
